Beautiful human, you are so very deserving of a love! Do you know how many times I said I was unworthy of a healthy and thriving love??!!! I probably couldn’t even count. I self-sabotaged time and time again because I was ashamed of who I had become.
Although it may have been fun, at the time (or so I thought) it was a lonely, lonely world to not be loved by one person and one person only. I was entertaining men who were not worthy of my love, let alone my precious time. I didn’t value myself. Although I was a very confident woman, I had very limiting beliefs (from childhood) that held me captive in a world where I closed myself off to a healthy love because I was afraid of being hurt.
I allowed men to give me the bare minimum and be neglectful of my needs and desires because:
1. It was safer to stay with emotionally unavailable men who didn't commit. Because if they didn't commit, then I could exit the relationship easily without any pain.
2. If I dated a weaker man that did not lead, that meant I could be in full control of the relationship and it would be easier to deal with any hurt or betrayal they would cause.
3. I settled for someone who didn't reciprocate my core values and needs, for fear of being alone.
4. I had my walls up and refused to be vulnerable in my relationship, which meant I showed up unauthentically to a relationship without giving my full self to someone. Because let's be honest trusting someone is hard. They always seem to show their true colors in the end.
5. I was looking for love in all the wrong places and didn’t listen to what the man was telling me upfront. I thought I could change them. And we all know how hard it is to change ourselves... so what makes us think we can change others???!!!
This all sounds so exhausting! And yet at the time... this is what worked for me. Because my brain was so used to handling chaotic situations since my early childhood, that this was familiar and safe. I knew how to react in these environments. Unhealthy environments could mean emotional/physical abuse, neglect, abandonment, divorce, checked out parents etc. We choose the partners that we can relate with from our childhood. We are trying to heal old wounds with our adult relationships. Fill voids that we couldn't fill as children and that means having low self esteem and just wanting to feel wanted, needed and loved. Even if this meant at the detriment of our own sanity.
I didn't grow up in an abusive household. And I had parents who loved me deeply. But I did grow up in a household with divorced parents and an image of a 7 year old girl who didn't feel worthy because the only man she loved, at that time in her life, only came to see her 2 weekends a month. And she craved his love and attention. But hardly ever got it. This is when I first felt unworthy of love. And this is how every other relationship after that unfolded.
I had no idea what a healthy environment looked like. I had no idea what it meant to have a man lead my family. And so THAT to me was scary.
I would sit alone on a Saturday night wondering where I went wrong. I am a phenomenal woman. I should have a line of men wanting to court me and ask for my hand in marriage. And truth be told, there were plenty who did. But I ignored them... because they were healthy, safe and boring. I didn’t resonate with them. I wanted the bad boy to marry. Huge eye roll here.
Sometimes we have something staring us right in the face and we don’t even know it, because we are so hurt and full of so much trauma that we don’t believe healthy is what we need.
Today I am so grateful for all the healing that I have done to help me navigate a healthy relationship and to set up standards and boundaries to respect myself enough to allow a beautiful person into my life that also respects me and is always looking out for my best interest.
Here are a few ways on how to receive a healthy love:
BELIEVE PEOPLE WHEN THEY SAY THEY LOVE YOU.
Whether it be a partner, a good friend, or a family member, it is crucial that we accept those words as being true and genuine. If you’re continually doubting and pushing them away, then you’ll hamper them proving that they truly do love you.
STOP BEING TERRIFIED OF LOSS
It’s normal and common to hold back from trusting love if your heart has been broken, or your love has been betrayed. Why would you want to experience that again! However, if you don’t take a chance on a person who seems true, you’ll spend your whole life running, and be captive to your fears. And there are people who are safe, and who will genuinely care. So trust your intuition, and push past all that fear.
LOVE YOURSELF
For some this is the hardest step to take. But if you don’t love yourself then you cannot receive love. Some people believe they don't deserve love. If this is true for you, take the time to figure out the reason why you feel you’re not worthy of being loved. Then, work on challenging and replacing this belief. (Perhaps with the help of a therapist or life coach.)
BEGIN TO TAKE DOWN THE WALLS AND RISK BEING VULNERABLE
Taking down the walls and being vulnerable can be challenging, but it is an important step towards building meaningful relationships and experiencing genuine connection with others.
- Acknowledge your fears
- Start small
- Practice active listening:
- Take responsibility for your emotions
- Embrace imperfection
LEARN FROM YOUNG CHILDREN, AND THEY WAY THEY RECEIVE LOVE
They expect to be loved, to be treated with respect, and to have their needs met when they reach out for support. They don’t fear rejection, or think that they’ll be hurt. For them, love is natural, it’s healthy and innate. So try to believe that the same is true for you – and love is enriching, rewarding, safe, and good.
HEAL FROM WITHIN
Believing that you deserve love is crucial to building healthy relationships and living a fulfilling life. It requires healing from past traumas and challenging all those limiting beliefs that you tell yourself. By taking these steps towards self-love and self-worth, you can cultivate a deeper sense of belief that you deserve love and build stronger, more meaningful relationships.
LET GO.
Letting go of things that don't belong to you is an important step towards living a more peaceful and fulfilling life. This can include letting go of negative emotions, toxic relationships, and limiting beliefs that no longer serve you. By releasing what is not meant for you, you can create space for what truly belongs in your life and cultivate greater clarity and happiness.
Heal from your trauma or you will continue to stay in toxic or unfulfilling relationships until you do. You are worthy of an intentional and meaningful love!!