The video opens with a woman discussing the mindset some women have when evaluating a man, suggesting, "If he won't open my door, find a man who will, and if he won't, find someone who does." She then poses the question, "Do men have the right to exercise the same line of thought?"
I firmly believe men do not have the right to adopt this simplistic or flawed logic. The saying that comes to mind is, "Two wrongs don't make a right." But first, let's examine what's problematic about this way of thinking. Where do I even begin?
On our MickSauce page, we emphasize the importance of healthy boundaries and standards. However, this isn't a matter of 'if not this person, then who?' but rather 'when?' Is it feasible for someone we care about to learn how to express their love to us through open conversations and achieving transparency, which are foundational aspects of courting? Have discussions been initiated about why certain acts symbolize expressions of love, trust, patience, or other virtues that add value to the relationship?
We don't need to discard everything at the first sign of trouble. It's possible to delay immediate gratification to grow alongside someone who may not initially meet our expectations, investing in them over time and witnessing our joint growth develop into something profound and meaningful. Wouldn't it be preferable for someone to "open the door for you" with both of you understanding its significance in your relationship, rather than adhering to societal norms that neither of you deems necessary for your relationship to flourish?
During the courtship phase, it's crucial to discuss your worldview before meeting this new person and your expectations within the relationship. As courtship progresses, both parties will discover each other's standards for nurturing a relationship.
The video further explores the implications of this mindset from a male perspective, stating, "If she won't cook for me, find a girl who will, and if she won't do my laundry, find a girl who will." Men are expected to be leaders, not just when it's convenient. If you're setting the standard in the household, which involves actively demonstrating behaviors you believe should be standards in your relationship, then you start by doing your own laundry.
If you expect a woman to cook for you, your leadership should include cooking for her first. If you love this person, teaching her to cook while showing that you're willing to cook for her should be your goal.
A relationship is not about voluntary servitude but is rooted in mutual service. Serving one another facilitates a relationship where both parties' needs are met fully. The concept of "Equal in Being, but Different in Function" applies here. As human beings, we are equal, yet we differ in the roles we fulfill as an extension of our existence.
If cooking is a significant issue for you, that should be addressed upfront. My wife, Denise, initially claimed she didn't cook, never ate raw food, and wasn't interested in short men. Three years into our relationship, she enjoys Tuna Tartare, prepares breakfast, lunch, and dinner from scratch, and I stand at 5'9" on a good day. The issue wasn't that she couldn't do these things or was incapable of enjoying them; she simply hadn't had the opportunity to understand how they could contribute to a meaningful relationship in an intentional way until we connected.
Within a few months I witnessed a completely different person in how she functioned. She was doing all those things and more. We collaborated and sought to meet each other's needs daily. There were some mornings where I was completely fatigued, and needed to rest, but there she was standing in as a Step Mother, changing my daughters diapers and feeding her milk at 2:00 AM. Helping me through one of the most trying times in my life when I was laid off from my job, and helping me pick up the pieces. I couldn't have asked for a better person to share the rest of my life with, but that wouldn't have come to fruition if I would've been hasty in my decision purely based off of how she showed up in the beginning. Relationships take time to evolve, and instant gratification doesn't lend itself to long term fortified results.
Now, each of these things has context and signifies different milestones within our relationship. Initially, I was alone in these endeavors. Being patient, kind, and humble while serving my wife set the standard, not just my demands on paper. She witnessed selfless acts daily, and as our lives intertwined more, she began to emulate the example she saw every day. I did the laundry, cooked the meals, cleaned the house, washed the dishes, and had it all done before she returned home after a long day. And yes, I was up at 4 am working before dropping my children off at school and back to work until about 4 pm, which is when I would start my routine.
Was it really expected that I should move on to the next person after witnessing her initial performance? The depth of alignment we achieved at the beginning was unprecedented for me, and the gaps I noticed were attributed to a lack of consistent leadership in her life until she met me. I was proven right. The notion I uphold and teach her is that, in pursuing marriage, within reason, nothing should be off the table in fulfilling the needs of a lifelong relationship.
Let's discuss love for a moment. The moderator in the video is partially correct. He mentions that toxicity is characterized by the mindset of what someone else can do for me and who owes it to me, but he overlooks the aspect of time, which translates to "who owes it to me right now." Many men and women neglect their needs throughout relationships and enter the next one with ultimatums and demands, which is different from having standards. I firmly believe you can have anything you want, but no one owes you anything you haven't provided for yourself.
All things being equal, when asking someone why they love another, they should start with a list of the other person's intrinsic qualities, followed by how they fulfill needs in each other's lives, and their partner should do the same. If someone's explanation for why they love another is based on what they receive from the other person, then the relationship is not built on a foundation destined to last. Long-term, thriving relationships are built on consistently meeting needs early on, not just on fulfilling wants. Here's my 30-second relationship elevator pitch:
"Thriving relationships are where two people intentionally act in the best interest of one another, proactively meeting a need, either expressed or implied, derived through relational awareness relative to the 5 domains of a Thriving Relationship (Economic, Mental, Physical, Emotional, Spiritual Well-Being), and do so with a great degree of consistency, where both perform altruistically." - Robert Mickens
A common misconception is that men's primary need is sex, which, while true in the physical category, overlooks needs in other categories. Similarly, the belief that a woman's number one need is security, which, while true in the economic category, neglects the other four categories essential for a thriving relationship. Men and women have strong ties in all five categories, but may prioritize them differently depending on their upbringing and current situation.
I often teach that a relationship rooted in love is based on altruistic love, meaning that during courtship, both parties should refrain from indulging in their most desired things to keep the courtship as pure as possible. These desires can be slowly incorporated into the courtship over time, but denying one self's desires allows both individuals to grow, learn, and understand each other in ways that do not compromise their integrity or allow them to deceive themselves about their compatibility.
The term "Simping" was mentioned in the video in the context of transactional acts between two people that are unsustainable and cause the relationship to fail due to a lack of reciprocity. Sex, financial stability, communication, trust - none of these should be transactional. They should be inherent truths of the relationship, existing at any level. While there are depths to each of these aspects, especially regarding economic stability and physical intimacy, these elements should inherently be part of the relationship.
Is social media causing society to fall into disarray? Stay tuned for my next post.